Didn’t I write yesterday that it would
happen? It did, and sooner than I
thought. Derek called a house meeting
for us to discuss the division of duties while Andrew was away, and, at that meeting,
he said he didn’t expect Nick and Peri to pull the same workload – with their
new house and all the work there, it seemed fair to me. Alex took exception and there was a huge
argument. The strange thing was that
Alex didn’t object to Nick not taking his fair share. It was Peri. Now, with
the best will in the world, Peri does not have to do a stroke around that
house. That she does is to our
benefit. And the other strange thing is
that it was the four of us who argued.
Peri just sat there. She hardly
said a word. Actually, no, it isn’t
strange at all. We have all fought with
each other in the past. The one person
who doesn’t need our defense was defended by three. Alex was isolated. She’s
my friend, one of my best friends, and she is someone I have trusted with my
life – and will do again, I have no doubt – but, in this, I honestly
feel she was being unfair.
(And all this personal stuff really
has no place in a Legacy journal but we are supposed to record our feelings and
thoughts on a daily basis which is why I’m including it.)
Alex eventually backed down. And then Peri said she’d do her share in the
house and asked why Alex had felt it necessary to single her out for
attention. Have you ever felt that you
should not have gotten up that morning?
That’s how I felt. Alex just
glared daggers at Peri, stated ‘you know why’, got up and walked out. Peri made no move to go after her, which I
think was the right move.
When I recall all the times those two
have gotten along, gotten the job done, defended each other, stood side by
side, it makes me feel quite sick to see them like this. At loggerheads. Derek wasn’t sure what to make of it all and he did go
after her. As Precept, it’s his
right. Nick, Peri and I continued the
meeting and split the labor between us.
Nick offered to cook breakfast every day, provided he could have the
evenings free. Peri said she’d cover
lunch with the same proviso. Derek,
Alex and I will cope with supper. As
for the housework, we agreed it could be left to the domestic staff who come
twice a week and who know very well what Andrew expects of them.
Andrew, of course, had no idea any of
this took place. If he did, the guy
would probably cancel his trip – and none of us are going to let that
happen. The guy isn’t a member of the
Legacy – he isn’t even a member of the Luna Foundation. He isn’t tied to this place at the hip, not
like us. He is fully entitled to a
vacation and he deserves to go, especially as this is a ‘working’
vacation. I sometimes wonder if he
would want to continue ghost hunting for fun if he really knew what it was like
– that, often, ghosts aren’t simple wispy images glimpsed floating along some
dark passageway but can be, and often are, vengeful, vindictive spirits out for
malicious revenge and it doesn’t matter that the object of their revenge is
long dead. They’ll hurt anyone who gets
too close. And guess where we
tend to be?
I wonder too how much Andrew actually
knows about us and what we do. The
guy’s always calm. Nothing much seems
to throw him. Maybe that’s his
training. Maybe, once he’s on his own,
all the stress comes out but, to us, he always presents a professional face. I can understand that, maybe better than any
of the others. It’s exactly what I
do. Unless, of course, it involves Kat
and then I cannot stop my emotions being on show to the entire world.
The situation with Alex and Peri looks
set to run for a while. If we’re not
careful, we’ll all be dragged in. The
next few days are going to be difficult.
*****
I feel so stupid. What on earth possessed me to say that? Yet I feel so mad as well. It needed to be said. But, if it had been reversed, if she’d said
that to me, I would’ve blown for sure.
Peri and I need to clear this up, yes, but alone. I could’ve picked a better moment and a far
better place. Rachel’s on Peri’s
side. So is Nick, but I have to expect
that. Derek too. When I walked out, I was in a simmering rage
and he came after me. He looked so
puzzled, as if I’d gone crazy. I
couldn’t really blame him. He wasn’t in
that hellhole, not like I was. If he
had been, maybe he’d want the answers as badly as I do.
I tried to explain to him that
Andrew’s vacation and how we deal with his absence really wasn’t the reason why
I erupted. He asked what the reason was
and I told him. I was calm then. I explained my reasons, why I needed to know
answers which now I couldn’t ever discover.
I said that my anger was a mix of frustration, that I was helpless and
irritated that the chance had once existed and had been snatched away from
me. And Derek said to me that I had to
let it go. Just like that. Peri is a part of the team and, at times,
she will do things we don’t agree with.
We can’t force her not to do them, we have to accept them. In the phenomenon, she had every right to
take over the resolution of the case.
The phenomenon is now gone, never to return, end of matter.
For a moment, I couldn’t believe I was
hearing that. The Legacy is founded on
the truth being the ultimate defense.
Derek was saying, in effect, that the truth didn’t matter. The evil was gone, and the opportunity to
learn the truth had been destroyed with it, and I had to live with that. I felt like he’d stabbed me in the
back. The guy I’ve trusted all these
years, who’s been such a strength and guiding light .. he betrayed all that in
a handful of seconds.
Right now, I feel very isolated in
this house. There’s no one I can talk
to about it. If I let it go, like Derek
wants, I’m betraying myself and my principles.
I won’t do that. I have to
learn, somehow, what the truth is. And
that means cornering Peri and demanding she tell me what she knows.
I don’t dislike her. When she was going up against Reuben Meyer,
I could’ve stayed here but I didn’t. I
knew my place was to fight at her side.
I know Peri is a good person.
It’s just her methods I disagree with, her .. instant decision making
and acting on it. That isn’t being a
part of the team. But, with nearly 600
people saved from captivity and eventual damnation, she can do no wrong and I’m
seen as the bad guy for wanting to fill in the blanks.
Tomorrow is going to be
difficult. When I lost it, I knew Nick
would look angry, that Rachel would be dismayed and Derek would frown. They acted to character. But Peri just sat there. So distant, remote, like she was a rock and
I was battering myself against it. Her
eyes, though; I saw them, I was watching.
For a second, a split second, they flickered black.
I feel isolated and I feel a little
afraid. I pushed today and she held
firm but I get the impression that she wanted to react. I have to try to sleep soon and I wonder if
I’ll wake in the night to find Aquila beside the bed. I know she can’t kill me but she can certainly scare me into
silence. Or she can try. It’s about time Peri learned that, if she
can draw a line in the sand, so can I.
*****
Day 2 of my attempt to keep a
journal. They had a meeting this
morning – they hold them every so often.
House meetings, they’re called.
These are different to the work meetings which they have every day. The house meeting this morning was to divide
the labor which I usually do but can’t because I won’t be here. Well, I nearly called Drake to cancel my
participation. There’s been a slight
atmosphere ever since they all returned from San Stefano and, today, it
erupted. There was a huge fight.
They think I can’t hear them when they
fight but I’m a butler. It’s my job to
listen and be observant, and keep silent about what I hear and see. I don’t think I’m totally the reason for the
fight – I think there’s something else going on – but what I heard today
centered on me. Can you imagine how I
felt when I heard AM say that N and P should do as much as her and the
others? I could’ve curled up and
died. This is supposed to be my
vacation! A fun time with my friends
away from what I do every other day of the year (apart from the cooking, that
is).
I don’t want them to argue between
themselves. My job is to see the
domestic, background activity runs so smoothly, they don’t notice it, and yet
now they’re fighting. As I wrote above,
I nearly called Drake to cancel so I can stay here. But then .. I don’t know, I thought no. Why should I? I’ve worked
here a year and, apart from some time at Christmas, I haven’t had any time
off. I haven’t been sick. I’ve given them no reason to question my
service or my loyalty. I deserve this
vacation and, by God, I’m going to take it!
This is my journal and I guess I can
write down my honest opinions without being seen as treacherous. So I will record that, at times, the people
in this house are rather naïve. They
want a butler to run things for them but I don’t think they really know what a
butler is. One thing we’re not
is a guy who walks round in a penguin suit answering the door to visitors and
cleaning the silver. That’s just a part
of the job. I think that they
think I don’t know what goes on here.
Well .. I don’t, not exactly. I
think they don’t know that I know there’s something behind the wall in the
library. I don’t know what but I know
something’s there. And while the Luna
Foundation is a professional organization, I believe it does more – a lot more
– than just hunting ghosts. That
business with the sword of Amaterasu proves my point. If any further proof is needed, look at the
size of the library. Are all those
books on ghosts, hauntings, haunted houses and spectral manifestation? No.
I’ve dusted them. I don’t dust
with my eyes shut. I’ve read some of
the titles. They deal with a lot more
than just ghosts, and so do the people who live here.
And that’s another reason I didn’t
call Drake. If the people who live here
can survive demons, devils, and a great deal more besides, they can survive
here without me for 10 days. I am going
to Haystone and I am going with a crystal clear conscience. They may be painfully naïve at times but
they are adults. They have to be
treated as such.
So, having finalized the list of
supplies, I left slightly early today and hit the wholesaler on the way home
(and it’s Saturday too). It’s a good
thing Drake has a 4x4 because my rather elderly VW Beetle is not going to cope
with the extra weight. 3 days to go. Tomorrow, I have my laundry to do; the day
after is packing. I don’t want any last
minute delays.
*****
Well, today was awkward. No other word for it. If Alex had come at me, I think we would’ve
seriously fallen out. But she didn’t. She went for Merli. I wish I knew how Merli stays so calm. Not a flicker of even irritation crossed her
face. Thinking back .. maybe we were
wrong to jump to Merli’s defense. She
doesn’t need us to defend her. If we’d
just ignored Alex’s outburst, like Merli did, maybe the whole thing would’ve
died. Now it looks set to run a little
longer. Merli didn’t say anything about
it when Derek came back. We worked out
a compromise to suit everyone and we can still get stuff done on the house in
the evenings. Living there is a big no
no. So far, we’ve agreed the kitchen
needs to be totally gutted, and the mirrors in the master bed can stay. Merli saw the twinkle in my eye, I guess,
because she couldn’t stop grinning. The
foyer needs a complete revamp too. I’m
thinking North African, Moroccan, Moorish style. First, let’s get the crap out, and then we can decide on how to
redecorate.
Today’s other events – after the house
meeting ended, Derek went into town on some business. Rachel had to leave – some patient appointment – and Alex didn’t
show herself again all day. I’m not
sure yet if that’s good or bad. I got
the feeling Alex is going to keep at this despite Derek’s advice to let it
go. Sure, I know doing that can be
tough, very tough. Some things refuse
to go away but you do have a choice.
You can let them dominate or you can control them, push them away. Maybe pushing them away isn’t so good. They can fester in the background. There again, letting them dominate isn’t so
good either. It can become an
obsession. I guess the best thing to do
is deal with it, and there are ways of doing that which Alex hasn’t felt to be
necessary. The one thing you do not do
is go one on one with an Enforcer when you’re not a 110% sure of your facts.
Andrew’s leaving in 3 days. He went early this afternoon to go grocery
shopping for us and for his trip. He
can be very close minded when he wants but he did tell me that much before he
shipped out. I almost wish I could go
with him and come back to restored peace and quiet. I don’t have to take Merli’s side and, sometimes, I don’t but, in
this attack, Alex is wrong. I guess she
and Rachel must feel much the same way as I do now when Derek and I have a
major bust up. It does put me in an
awkward position – loyalty to my wife, loyalty to the Legacy, and loyalty to
the other Legacy members. You could say
there’s a definite conflict of interest.
If it doesn’t calm down in a couple of days, I’ll go speak with Alex,
see if I can find out what’s at the bottom of all this .. although I think I
already know. This is just more of the
same resentment she displayed in the town.
It was out of line then, nothing’s changed. I just have to try to get Alex to see that.
Merli isn’t here right now. When I was setting the alarms and checking
the monitors, she got a phone call.
She’s still in the house, just not here in the room with me. I hope it isn’t bad news. Her leaving won’t end this situation, all it
will do is postpone it. I thought, once
we were all back in the city, we’d go back to the usual – I was wrong. Seems some things do have a life of their
own. The evil at work in that town, the
way it could affect people’s emotions, appears to have come back with us.
*****
3 days to go. Another square with a big cross on the
calendar! I’ve done my laundry. I called Florence to remind her to get a
first aid kit. I called about the
permits. They are in the mail. I called Drake again – 6:55 this morning,
and, yes, I woke him up again. He
actually swore at me. This kind of
behavior is totally unacceptable. If he
does it again, I am going to petition the others to have him thrown out. Anyway, Drake confirmed that we’re all going
to Haystone and that Andy is seeing to the supplies. 3 – no, 4 things more crossed off the master list. What’s left to do? Get gas. Pack my
bags. Buy a bag! I didn’t get a chance today to get to the
store (had to work). Note to self –
make time tomorrow (even if it is Sunday)!!
We need to finalize at whose place we’re meeting the morning we go and
what time. Oh dear, I guess I’ll have
to call Drake again in the morning.
Drake also told me he has all the
cameras and films and stuff ready. He’s
the expert, I suppose (that’s a grudging admission) so I’ll have to trust he
knows what he’s talking about. Florence
told me she has all her gear packed ready. Florence is a real treasure.
Quiet, obedient, and organized without having to be reminded 15
times. She mentioned her car’s in the
shop. I wonder if she’d like to travel
with me?
Work was a pain again today. They all know I’m going on vacation – I told
them yesterday – and yet they keep giving me things to do when all I want is to
clear my desk (it’s why I was there today).
It’s all ‘before you go, could you just …’ Ordinarily, I would not object.
But these projects are all too big to finish in a couple of days. I can only start them.
Note to self – remember to clean the
apartment and get in some supplies for when you arrive home.
Jerry Copland would be a good
replacement for Drake. Okay, he isn’t a
professional photographer but he’s all right with a camera. I’ve seen his vacation pictures. I’m not sure if he has any kind of interest
in ghost hunting but he does drive a brand new convertible, has lots of money
and social contacts, and he’s extremely well mannered. Well, he did go to Stanford and not on a
scholarship. The complete opposite of
Drake McGavan. I doubt I’d ever hear
Jerry swear at me. He’s always in the
office early so waking him up with a phone call – just would not happen. The only way I could wake him up in the
morning is … Well, I won’t go into my
super-private fantasies here! Let’s
just say Jerry is quite the hunk.
Compared to Drake, there’s just no contest.
Well, 3 days more to wait and we will
be on our way. I must remind Florence
to prepare copies of the entry in the book for each of us. We should do a little preparation reading
before the big day. If we don’t, we’ll
just waste valuable time when we get there.
A chance like Haystone comes around once in a blue moon.
I am so excited. I doubt I’ll be able to sleep tonight. Maybe a long, hot bath and a cup of warm
milk will send me pleasantly into the land of dreams. With luck, I might dream about Jerry.
*****
I believe I have a growing problem in
this house. Maybe I have trained and
mentored my team so well that they cannot let things be when they must. I know Peri knows more than she’s admitted
about what occurred inside the phenomenon we recently closed down. When the time is right, I know she will tell
us what she can. The more Alex pushes
for answers now, the longer it will take the right time to arrive. It seems the lessons we were forced to learn
after Colorado Springs have been either ignored or forgotten. Peri is capable of a lot that we do know
about and even more that we don’t. I
doubt even she knows everything she is able to do. Life is a process of evolving, developing,
each and every day. No one remains
static. She will undoubtedly learn more
new skills before her time comes to depart this world. And most of what she knows will – must –
forever remain secret. We have no right
to demand information from her. The most we can do is ask, and accept whatever
we are given – even if that is nothing.
Alex seems to have forgotten that Peri
is not a Legacy member, nor will she ever be a Legacy member. The concept of teamwork runs strong and deep
in us all, but not in Peri. Once, we
made the mistake of believing she was one of our team. We paid for it, even her. A painful price, in tears and anguish. We must not make the same mistake again –
yet Alex appears determined to do exactly that. I have told her to let it go.
I know her well enough to know that she won’t. Very well then. I must do
whatever I can to smooth over the rough edges and prevent irritation and
frustration at the lack of cooperation from flaring into angry provocation. I will not lose Alex, and I will not allow
Alex to drive Peri away. We are
a team but we are 4 plus 1, not 5.
I feel most sorry for Andrew who I
know heard the argument take place. It
is to his credit that he did not back down and cancel his plans.
The arrangement we have made agrees
with everyone who is taking part. Nick
and Peri wish to have the late afternoon and evening free so they can continue
work on the mainland. I cannot object
to this. The weather right now is remaining
fine but it cannot last more than another few weeks. Once it turns, and the fog starts rolling in again, the evenings
get darker sooner, their free time will shrink and they will have to return
earlier before the ferries are cancelled.
I had business in town today which
meant I was absent for most of the morning and all the afternoon. My father’s collection and the items I have
added to it plus the gifts I have received on my father’s behalf has now grown
to such an extent that new premises are required. Emily Forrester has, at my request, been looking at suitable
sites and, today, she and I went to view some of them. My heart says the offer of several rooms at
the City Museum is the best choice but Emily disagreed – if I accept, she is
out of a job. She prefers the empty
building near the Civic Center but the security there is non-existent. I have a difficult choice to make. Perhaps we can compromise on a third choice
– there is always the option of having something built. It would keep Emily in employment (not that
she needs it and she is not as young as she once was), the security would be
first rate (I would have Nick design it), and it would belong to me. All I need to do is find an appropriate location. Whatever I decide, I must get Ingrid’s
approval. She is, after all, joint
custodian of our father’s legacy.
I have also taken the time today to
investigate Haystone Manor a little more.
I called in to the library before I met with Emily, but there was
nothing there. I had a little time so I
went to some of the more underground, esoteric bookstores and, in one, I found
a book dedicated to Haystone. I intend
to read it tonight (it is not big). It
may give me new insight into the mansion’s history. Something happened there in the past. What that something was has never been
discovered.
Perhaps Andrew will be the one to
unlock this particular closed door just as he did with the sword.
*****
Day 2. I’m still at it. Haven’t
lost patience with this stupid journal idea yet. Alex really pissed me off today.
I felt Aquila stir and she has been lecturing me ever since. Move out; you don’t need this; you don’t
need them; just fix the damn house and get inside; you were helping them, not
deceiving them; when is Alex going to understand that, whatever you do, you’re
doing it for the good reason?
I said I’d fix lunch while Andrew’s
gone. I can do that. I can keep a low profile and out of Alex’s
way. In fact, what I’d really
like to do is go away. Alex isn’t dumb
– no way is she stupid. She’s a smart
lady and I know she will figure her way to the truth. All the time I’m here, visible, she won’t try to figure it for
herself. I’m an easy target. Should I tell her? Make it easy? Or should I
encourage her to stretch herself?
It didn’t bother me that Alex
lost it. Bothered Aquila. I think I was pissed that she chose that
moment to take her shot. I mean, we’re
all sitting there to show willing while the butler’s away and I get picked on
when someone else says I don’t have to.
If I’d said it, I could’ve understood. But I didn’t.
Alex must be feeling like shit right
now. I really didn’t need defending but
I got it. 3 of them all started arguing
with her. Alex must be feeling pretty
alone. Well, I know how that
feels. I expect she’s sitting in her
room right now, scared Aquila’s going to come pay her a little visit. As if that’d happen …
This evening, late, I got a phone
call. I think it could be good
news. Evan’s coming over. He called to ask if he could stay at Paradise
Drive (the old house). His timing could
not be better. If he’s here, I can
persuade him to stay a while and that’ll free my time to work on the new house. Yeah, okay, I always said it’d be a joint
project – me and Nicky. And I haven’t
gone back on that. The way I see it is
Nicky and I decide together what needs to be done and I can make a start and he
can come help me when he can get away.
So Evan coming over is perfect.
He can cover for me. In fact ..
he can come live on the island. I’ll
speak with Derek about it tomorrow.
Might do Alex some good, having Evan here instead of me. He won’t take any crap. He’ll be horrified and very polite but he’ll
give it straight back. Difference
between me and Evan is that he doesn’t see the people here as his friends
(apart from Nick – who’s more a kind of colleague). The others are Legacy people, someone he works with, for,
alongside. He wouldn’t dream of
socializing with them.
I’m writing this in the library. Everyone else has either left or gone to bed. It’s pretty late. I should turn in too.
Andrew’s excited about his
vacation. He looks just the same and
sounds it but I can feel the excitement.
I wonder where’s he’s going. I wonder, if I ask him out straight, whether
he’d tell me. Probably not. The guy’s taking this time to get away from
us. The absolute last thing he wants is
for us to show up – which is not as dumb as it sounds. This is the great ‘annual trip’ for his
ghost hunting club. It doesn’t take a
huge stretch of the imagination to see the Luna Foundation rolling up with all
their gear. If I were Andrew, I’d keep
very quiet about my vacation plans.
I expect Alex will keep on plugging
away at me. Tomorrow’s going to be just
a re-run of today. How boring is that?
*****
Today marks a first. Never before have I ever managed to reduce
the Trip Nazi to absolute, stunned silence.
Today, I did. Man, that was a
great feeling! I have to make a big
note of it here so, if I ever feel the need to do it again, I can refer back to
see exactly what I said (not that I think I will ever forget).
The phone rang before 7 (on a Saturday
morning). I know she did it on
purpose. She knows that I’m a night
bird by habit. My day starts around 10,
goes on till 2 or 3 the next morning.
Soon as it jolted me awake, I could tell by the sinking feeling in my
gut that it was her. I think I growled
something – might have been ‘hello’ or it could have been ‘yeah, what?’ She starts on, straight away, no ‘did I wake
you?’ No ‘sorry but I have to call early
before I leave and the traffic’s a bitch if I’m late’. If she had said something like that, I’d be
nicer. But no. The Trip Nazi isn’t capable of that. She just started straight off with the
demands and instructions – as if I’m sitting at some desk, ready, primed with a
pen and a pad, not as I am which is laying flat on my back, phone held to my
ear, and my eyes shut.
Had I called? Yes.
What did they say? They’re both
coming. Is Andy organizing the
supplies? Yes. I told her that I had all the cameras and
films ready, tripod, filters, everything we’ll need. Was she impressed?
No. She huffed. And that’s when I said ‘for fuck’s sake,
Carrie, get off my case and stop giving me orders. Stop telling everyone to jump.
You are not in charge!’
There was such a shocked silence. I remember this big grin spreading over my
face. At that moment, it was .. I can’t
begin to describe it. It was like I was
bathed in a warm, golden glow, as if God Himself was smiling down on me and
giving a thumb’s up. You stood up for
yourself. Good job, Drake.
I think this feeling is going to last
me until .. oh, maybe tomorrow morning.
She’s bound to call again. For
someone who loves to trumpet her organizational skills every chance she gets,
Carrie has a real problem remembering things.
Or – now I think of it – she just doesn’t trust us so she drip feeds our
reminders every day. I think, after
Haystone, I’m going to petition the others to have her removed from the
group. The 3 of us will muddle along,
just like we did before Carrie arrived.
Well, 3 days to go. Can’t come soon enough. For one thing, she won’t be able to call
because we’ll all be together. And
we’ll all be sleeping in. Maybe
I can wake her up at before the crack of dawn, see how she likes it.
I have to get my laundry done. If I don’t, I won’t have anything to wear on
the trip. I should fetch my bag out of
the closet too. It needs to get some
air. Maybe I can swing by Andy’s place
tomorrow night. I haven’t seen him in a
long time. He emails regularly .. but –
and I know you can’t tell how someone’s really feeling from reading words on a
screen – it seems to me that his words are tense, like he’s feeling
pressure. If that’s true, he really
needs this break, and I am going to make damn sure Carrie does nothing to upset
him. Haystone was Andy’s idea, and, to
him, it’s almost like going home. The
Trip Nazi can’t spoil it for him. I
won’t let her. And I know for a fact
that Flo will be on my side in that.
Maybe I’ll swing by her place too. Flo has a way of spreading oil on troubled
waters. I don’t think she realizes how
good a person she really is. Restful. Just being with her calms me down. She’s special.
Anyhow, that’s me done for this most
remarkable of days so I will bid you a fond goodnight.
*****
Carrie rang this morning from the
office. I wish she wouldn’t do
that. She gets up early and so do I, so
she could’ve called before she left. I
don’t like getting personal calls at work.
I always think it’s going to be bad news, and Carrie has a really
officious way of making requests.
Although I’m not a nurse, I have to
get a first aid kit for the trip. I’m
responsible for buying the ‘sundries’ so I suppose a first aid kit falls under
that heading. I can do that in my lunch
break. Drake calls her the Trip Nazi,
and, although I don’t like to judge people and that name isn’t very nice, I can
understand why he calls her that.
Before, when it was just the 3 of us,
we weren’t so organized but we had more fun.
It was more spontaneous. We
laughed a lot. We were like the Blair
Witch Project but with jokes. I mean,
sitting in a haunted house, waiting for something to happen which would scared
us stupid, and telling each other ghost stories to pass the time? Crazy or what? But then Carrie joined us and we no longer forgot things like
flashlight batteries and a first aid kit.
We got given things to do. Yes,
it made sense but she treats us like soldiers in an army. Kit inspection every day at noon. Lights out at 4 a.m. It’s so unnecessary. We’re not soldiers, and we’re not
children. We’re perfectly capable of
making our own mistakes and learning from them. Carrie has everything so regimented that the fun’s been sucked
right out.
We’re supposed to do what she says,
yet, if any of us ask her to do something, she goes very brittle. I asked her today if she had the permits and
she told me, in a very cool voice, that they were in the mail. It’s as if we’re not allowed to check to see
if she’s doing what’s on her list. But
I’ll bet she calls me tomorrow to see if I’ve gotten the first aid kit.
I wish I could be as cool and offhand to her but I just don’t have it in me. My parents raised me to be a nice person, to get along with everyone even if I hate them on sight. I don’t hate Carrie, I just feel irritated by her attitude. Andy, Drake and I – we slob around in old jeans and ancient sweaters because we know, for that week, we’re roughing it. And it’s fun to rough it. That’s part of the charm. A total break from the routine of the rest of the year. But not Carrie. Her jeans are new with pressed creases. Her running shoes are bright white. She has a manicure the day before we leave. She always brings more bags because half of it is makeup and skincare. I’m not saying the rest of us are dirty but it’s camping out. I don’t take a nice dress in case we decide to eat out. I know we won’t. But Carrie always packs a nice dress and a pair of heels. Here I am, judging her. I don’t mean to do that. I’m sure she judges me and I can’t stop her doing that but I can stop me doing it.
3 days to go. I’ve read the entry in the book again. I think Haystone is going to be so different
from every other place we’ve visited and spent time in. We all say we’re ready if it should ever
happen but I honestly believe that, if we should see something or hear a
strange noise, we would be scared out of our wits. I think, at Haystone, we’re going to be scared. But, you know what, diary? I don’t mind that because Andy and Drake
will be just as scared as me.
Fascinated, sure, but scared. If
we panic, we’ll do it together. I’m not
sure how Carrie will react. She’s
probably got that planned too. Or maybe
she’s so sure that nothing will happen, that we’re just wasting our time, that
she hasn’t considered it. Haystone is
going to be some kind of revelation to her.
I almost wish something would
happen. Something very big and very,
very scary. Because – and I feel mean
about feeling this – I really want to see Carrie lose it, big time. But, if I can’t write my inner thoughts
here, where can I write them?
More tomorrow. I’ve vented enough for this day.
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