Day 4. This isn’t half as bad as I imagined it would be. So far, anyway. Right now, I have nothing on the go except normal stuff which
means I have the time to waste writing the day’s events in this book. If I was on a case, it would be different. But, so far, I’m okay with it and I’ll keep
it up a while longer.
Okay, what happened today – actually,
I should go back to last night because the boss’s visit yesterday was playing
on my mind as he knew it would, which is why he called on me. It’s his way of gently telling me without
actually saying that I should get ready.
‘For what’ isn’t the question. I
should be ready for anything. However,
I like to know just a little more before I go into it so I went to visit my
parents last night. My Dad always seems
to know everything going on – he’s the logical first point of contact. He couldn’t help this time. My Mom – who is one of the best partners of
all time – could help a little. My Mom
can fight, and does, but her skill comes into play before and around
combat. Her senses are highly tuned in
to her surroundings. Some partners take
equal shares of the fighting. My Mom is
an excellent rear security. My Dad
tells me he always feel safe with my Mom watching his back. When I asked them if they’d heard any rumors
or gossip, felt anything strange building or seen anything unusual going on, my
Dad shook his head. My Mom nodded – and
it surprised him. He had no idea. The Gorge isn’t any different. But there is an atmosphere. My Mom described it as a very mild, almost
unnoticeable electric current in the background. Like a buzz, a tingle.
Something’s building because, she said, it’s getting slightly stronger
every day.
Then she asked why and I couldn’t tell
her. I don’t know. I asked them to keep an ear open and give me
a head’s up if they should hear anything.
Then I came home again.
I didn’t go to the island today. There’s really no need for me to be there
right now. And it is definitely more
peaceful away from that house. Come on,
be honest – it’s more peaceful away from Alex.
A house can’t pick a fight. A
person can. And will .. but only if the
other person is there. Fighting by
phone doesn’t work – you can hang up.
Has to be one on one, face to face.
Aquila’s been bitching today – just tell her, get her off your
back. Aquila doesn’t care about
feelings so, in one way, sure, it makes a lot of sense to just ‘tell her’. But I don’t know if doing that would solve anything. Strange thing to write. Yes, short term, it would solve the ‘San
Stefano investigation’ and let Alex close the damn file. Long term .. I’m not so sure. Alex is a complex personality. She likes the idea of me being there to
watch her back, protect her, take on the evil guys, and stay in the background
the rest of the time. She likes me
being there to help out as a research assistant. She hates the idea that I can do things she can’t. We have been over this ground so many times
now that it’s tedious. So, if I tell
her that I saved her from dying in there, she’ll be happy short term. Then she’ll think about how I did it and
she’ll get all resentful that I turned back time. I let one scenario play itself out, then thought ‘bad idea’ and
played another with a better ending.
That’ll lodge in her mind and, some day in the future, it’ll come back
to bite me. The fact that I could do it
in there but I can’t do it out here won’t mean a damn. I should’ve cleared it with her first. Argued it out. Requested permission.
There wasn’t time for that.
That’s another thing she hates.
Look, assess, decide, act. Game
over.
Nicky came by this evening. He’s staying over tonight. Says he doesn’t sleep so well on his own
these nights. He’s only half lying so I’m
not going to bitch about it. He can’t
wait for the house to be finished. I
can, strangely enough. I’m looking
forward to working with him to get it how we want and, if that takes a few
years, I can live with it. He’s writing
his own journal entry now (and I don’t think it’s a Legacy journal either –
jeez, he’s writing two?) and it looks like he’s just about done. More tomorrow.
*****
Kat tells me my French is
pitiful. I have to agree. After a day attempting to help Alex with
some translation, and failing miserably, I’ve come to realize that my daughter
is better equipped in some ways for Legacy work than I am. Still, it was a quiet day, much the same as
yesterday, because Peri didn’t show up at all.
I know it’s only putting off the inevitable but I am all for a peaceful
life when I can get it.
I did get Alex to talk a little about
why she has such a big deal about this case.
Apparently, Peri did something without clearing it with the others
first. That something saved them – Alex
admits that and has no problem with it; if she did, I’d have to seriously start
questioning her mental balance – but it also denied them the chance to get at
the truth. Now that I can
understand. Alex rightly pointed out
that the Legacy is based on the search for truth. There can be nothing left to
surprise if the truth is known. No
nasty secrets. No ancient skeletons
liable to rise up and attack. None of
us has ever said knowing the truth is easy, nor that getting to it is a piece
of cake because it isn’t. Sometimes,
the truth is monstrous, something we would rather turn away from than face it,
but true courage comes in doing exactly that.
Facing it, accepting it, then dealing with it. Alex feels that Peri denied her the chance to deal with the truth
of that place. She had no control over
the outcome, or the events leading up to the outcome. Alex did her bit, helped save all those people, but she feels she
was used, even abused.
In her place, I think I’d feel the
same resentment. We all pride ourselves
on being able to control our lives, or our reactions to events which disrupt
our lives. To feel powerless, helpless
to control our own decisions and choices …
Yes, I would feel resentment. And,
there again, I can understand that Peri must have had reasons for doing it and
still does have reasons for not telling.
At some point, while they were all in there, the situation stopped being
a Legacy case and became something else.
Maybe Peri can’t tell us, but I think it fair for her to share whatever
she can – the minimum should be why she denied Alex, Nick and Philip the chance
to deal with the truth because, in a way, that is the truth which Alex
wants.
Andrew leaves tomorrow on his
trip. Apparently, Nick offered him the
use of one of the audio recorders and Derek’s agreed. Andrew took it home with him this evening. He looked just like a kid on Christmas
morning. Watching him .. it was like
being a child again myself but not a particularly happy one. I’m reminded of those scenes in old movies
where the poor kid has his nose pressed against the window of the toy
store. He’s looking in at all the magic
and wonder but he can’t go in there, he can’t share. Okay, I know I’m not a kid but I can’t share the magic and wonder
of the paranormal because I’ve seen too much of it. I’ve seen its ugly face and I know how it works. All children are fascinated by the things in
the dark, ghost stories, you name it, but it’s an innocent fascination. When you consider how many people live on this
planet, very few of them continue to be interested once they grow to adults. The few who do tend to possess remnants of
that childlike innocence. They may coat
it in a scientific veneer but, on the whole, they are woefully unprepared for
what might happen. A bad experience can
scar their minds forever. And that’s
why I felt like the kid watching thru the toy store window. I’ve lost that innocence. I’ve seen too much. I can’t count how many bad experiences I’ve
had but I’m not scarred. Well, not
permanently. The Legacy prepared me for
what I was likely to face.
I hope Andrew isn’t hurt by his
vacation. Somehow, I don’t think he
will be. The guy’s lucky. He’s one of those rare individuals who
always bounces back from difficulties and hardship. If more people in the world were like Andrew, I’d be out of a
job. But he’s only one. There are others in his group who may not be
so fortunate.
There’s nothing else for it. I will have to relearn French and in short
order if I’m to help Alex with her translation. Of course, there’s the added complication that the words are Old French
and not modern. There again, no one
ever said the Legacy would be a cakewalk.
I think it’s one of the reasons I stay.
Yes, there’s the knowledge that what we do makes a difference, despite
the pain we feel, the anguish we go thru.
If the Legacy was just that .. maybe it would be enough, maybe it
wouldn’t. But it’s a challenge as
well. Each day, it forces me to think
and evaluate, rise to new levels of understanding, stretch my horizons. That’s why I stay. On balance, it’s the right choice.
*****
Day 4 of my journal and I can report
that today has been a lot better. I
really do believe that writing down my thoughts and feelings has changed
me. It’s certainly forcing me to
confront a lot of what goes on in my head.
When I wrote down how much I resented things, the next day I was a lot
more direct in speaking to people.
Yesterday, I was full of regret and, today, I’ve made big strides in ..
not apologizing exactly but in explaining why I was grouchy the day
before. The first person I had to make
peace with was Carrie. I called her
this morning at 7:00. I said I’d been
reading this book, one of those self help ones, and trying to incorporate some
of the lessons I’d learned – okay, that isn’t strictly true but this journal is
a kind of self help book – and maybe I wasn’t getting it exactly right. If I’d said something which had hurt her, I
was sorry, but the message beneath was true.
I did find it inexplicable for her to take so much baggage on what was –
is – essentially a camping trip. Having
a manicure seemed to me a waste of money when it was more likely that she’d
break a nail.
Well, Carrie was good about it. She said she understood my concerns and that
I wasn’t to worry about her. Tomorrow
will be the proof of the pudding, as they say, when we actually leave.
I copied the pages from the book and
scanned them into the computer then sent them to Drake and Andy. I’ve got Carrie’s copy with me. I asked her about an email address and she
said she didn’t have one. Can you
believe that? I can’t. I have five email addresses! She must have one, even if it’s only at
work. No one these days has none at
all.
Drake called me late morning in a fit
of excitement. He told me I have to get
tapes. Lots of tapes. I asked what kind and he said those big ones
like on old fashioned reel to reel recorders.
In fact, that’s exactly what we needed.
Then I asked why and he could hardly get the words out. Apparently, the people Andy works for (the
professionals) have let him borrow a recorder and microphones for the
trip. When I heard that, I got excited
too. It’s almost like a validation of
our work. It makes it more than just a
hobby. I got 20 while I was on lunch
break but it took a while to search out a store which sold them. Nearly everything these days is cassette or
digital.
Well, this time tomorrow, I will be
writing my journal in Haystone Manor by flashlight on the first night of our
ghost watch. I am all packed, my bags
are ready by the door, my apartment is clean, stocked, and ready for me to
leave. Drake will be here at 9:00 – I
hope! It is good of him to give me a
ride. Next year, I will have to
reciprocate. There again, Drake has a
big 4x4 and I don’t. Andy has an ancient
VW which always surprises me by not breaking down. Carrie, of course, has a 3 year old sports car. She says it has to do with image in the
workplace. I have an 8 year old Camry
and it’s fine for my image in the workplace.
I have to try to sleep now. Goodnight, diary!
*****
There are occasions – not many and not
often – when I have to be strict with the staff. Tonight, I had to be firm with Andrew. If I hadn’t, he would not have gone until very late. I told him to prepare supper and then leave. We would serve ourselves and see to the
clearing up. For a moment, I believed
he would argue with me. I have seen
that reaction before – usually from Nick.
The eyes narrow slightly, the chin rises, the jaw muscles twitch. I told Andrew that, if he didn’t do as I
ordered, I would not let him take the audio recorder. For a second, it was close but then he backed down. So did I.
I told him he had done as much in advance for us as he possibly could
and that we all hoped he had an enjoyable vacation. I concluded with the offer of assistance should he feel it was
needed, and it would be his judgment call.
I gave him a business card, and the recorder. He smiled. He did not
look like our Andrew at that moment, but rather like someone shedding responsibilities
at the start of time out.
And so he prepared supper, called to
say it was ready, and then he left. I
have to admit, I am hoping he does call.
Haystone Manor is an intriguing proposition.
Nick is not here tonight; he is
staying on the mainland. Rachel was
here for supper but then left for home.
It is just Alex and myself. Her
new project is another intriguing proposition.
She has the manuscript to decipher – her French is better than mine –
and I have several artifacts removed from the same underground vault to
examine. One appears to be a medallion
but it is heavily encrusted and will need careful handling if it is not to be
damaged. Another is apparently a plate,
possibly an altar plate. Again, it is
encrusted with the same mineral deposits.
The last item is a chalice. This
had been damaged before it came to us but not badly enough that it cannot be
identified. There is no hurry to
complete this project. So far, I have
not ‘seen’ anything but that could be because I have not yet made contact with
the artifacts, only the surface accumulation.
As with so much in life, only time will tell.
Alex seems much more relaxed now. It could be that she is coming to accept the
reality of the situation although I think it more likely it is Peri’s strategy
paying dividends. This evening, after
Rachel had gone, I took the chance to talk with Alex and go into her grievances
a little more. At first, she was
guarded, mistrustful of my motives – which was, I found, a little hurtful – but
then she began to tell me. She was hurt
by my dismissal of her concerns. She
said she’d felt betrayed by that. The
Legacy is founded on the truth and she did not, as yet, know the truth. She admitted it was possible she never
would, and she found that frustrating.
We had a long, and candid, discussion about it.
Alex has many strengths which she
brings to the Legacy, not the least being dedication and honesty, but I feel
her main contribution is passion. The
fire inside her burns low but it is constant.
It does not matter if it is passion for a cause or for detail or, as in
this case, resolution. Right now, as I
told her tonight, she is walking a fine line and she must be careful. Passion is good. Passion allowed to rage uncontrolled turns to obsession, and that
can poison your entire life.
She understood what I meant and she
listened to me without argument or protest.
We didn’t fight. We
discussed. Alex said that the very
least she wanted was a reason why Peri had chosen to act unilaterally, even if
she could not divulge details because they are sensitive. I felt that was fair and told her so. I certainly have no objection to this
approach. Alex admitted that she
disliked having this occupy so much of her time and she hated the idea that she
and Peri could fall out permanently.
She also said that she had not handled the confrontation very well the
other day. She knows she will have to
talk with Peri; it’s just finding the right moment.
I suggested neutral ground – somewhere
in the city, perhaps. Alex and I parted
as friends again, trust in each other restored. Tomorrow will bring what it may.
I hope one of the things it brings is an end to this ongoing situation.
*****
Well.
Day 4 and the last entry I’ll make here at home for a while. In the morning, I hit the road. It’s almost like going home .. but not
quite.
When I was a kid, I used to go play
near Haystone. There’s a wall all
around the place except for the big, double, iron gates and where the grounds
meet the cliff. The whole estate is locked
up tighter than Fort Knox .. unless you happen to be a kid with a burning
determination to peek inside those dark, dusty windows. If there’s a gang of you, it’s even better
and easy to breach the security. It
isn’t as if there’s a guard on duty. Haystone
relies on its local reputation as a haunted house. It exerts a magnetic pull but only so far. It’s fun to creep into the grounds and go up
to the windows. Any farther – no
way. Not when you’re 9 or 10 and your
parents will give you hell if they ever find out where you went and what you
did there.
When I left Littleriver, I always knew
one day I’d go back to Haystone. This
is coming full circle for me. That
house first triggered my fascination with ghosts. Now I’m going back to look for them. And I feel quite the expert.
I have a recorder on loan from the Luna Foundation and instructions on
how and where to place the microphones for the best results. DR was very much the ‘master of the house’
tonight – and I’m grateful. He really
laid it on the line to me. For a second
there, he actually scared me even as I struggled with my conscience. Leave the house, with some of my duties
unfinished. Leave, or else. I had to obey, didn’t I? It meant that I got two extra hours to
finish up here. My bag is packed, the
food’s all boxed up. The camping gear
is ready to be loaded into Drake’s monster truck. As far as I know, we are set for the morning.
Florence emailed me a copy of the book
entry – she is so good. Not just a good
person but good for the group. A
moderating influence. I’ve printed the
entry and I’m going to read it before I sleep.
I’ve also got a business card for the Luna Foundation and I’ve packed it
with my other personal stuff. I know NB
offered to help out but I found that a little intrusive, if I’m honest. A business card makes it .. more
professional. No, that isn’t the right
word. It’s more formal. If I feel the need – and it’s down to me, no
one else – I can call DR and request assistance and I wouldn’t be Andrew the butler
calling. I’d be Andy the client. There’s a subtle difference there and an
important one. Andrew works for them. Andy would be calling the shots and they’d
be working for him. I still hope I
won’t have to call but it’s comforting knowing I have the option.
Well, that’s me done for now. Tomorrow, I’ll write more on the first night
of the ghost watch.
*****
This is so strange and yet, in a funny
way, it’s so typical. The people who
make up the members of this house fall out from time to time yet they hate
doing it. There’s always guilt and
regret afterward, and the offering of olive branches. It may take time but it always happens. I won’t say the others took Peri’s side the other day but they
did defend her against me. And now both
Rachel and Derek have begun the peace making process. It won’t be long before Nick offers to play mediator – and I
never thought I’d ever write that about him!
I’ll turn down the offer though, not because I think it’s a bad idea but
because I have to be the one to do this.
Rachel began today by trying to help
with the translation. Her French is
virtually nonexistent so I appreciated her attempt. But, naturally, that was just the opening move. Lighten the atmosphere a little, get us both
laughing and then we ease gently into therapy.
We talked about my feelings and why I was feeling them, what had caused
me to react the way I did the other day.
Rachel is a very dear friend of mine as well as a trusted colleague but
she is a psychologist and she feels this deep seated need to use her expertise
to help us. Sometimes, it’s welcome;
often, it’s useful; at other times, it’s invasive. I think today I welcomed the chance to talk. I wanted her to know that I’m not being
deliberately awkward or stubborn. She
understood and even agreed with me that my feelings, in this situation, aren’t
unjustified.
Later, when Rachel had gone, Derek and
I had a long and open discussion. At
first, I was wary of him. I wondered
why he was raising this again when he’d already told me to drop it. But, as I’d told Philip in San Stefano,
Derek knows us better than we could imagine.
He knew that, in spite of his advice, I wouldn’t let this go. So he wanted to talk it over. I explained that I saw his earlier advice as
a betrayal, not just of me but of the Legacy as well, and that I’d been hurt by
his words. He didn’t apologize but we
did discuss at length my reservations.
He said that passion was good but passion allowed to rage uncontrolled
led to obsession, and I was walking a fine line. He used Randolph Hitchcock as an illustration of how obsession
can poison an entire life. I can
understand that and why he would say it to me as a warning. It must appear like I’m obsessed – looking
back thru these pages over the last few days .. I’ve done little but go on
about Peri. I don’t think it’s an
obsession though, not yet. I haven’t
sunk that far and I don’t intend to let it go on much longer. Peri and I need to talk this out, just the
two of us. It’s just finding the right
moment. Derek thought it a sensible
approach and suggested neutral ground.
It’s a good idea.
Andrew’s gone now. I overheard Derek laying down the law to him
earlier today. I also saw him giving
Andrew a business card. Derek wished
him good hunting at Haystone. Once
Derek had gone to bed, I returned to the control room to do a little digging of
my own. I think Andrew and his friends
are going to Haystone Manor, which is just up the coast past Mendocino and very
near to a place called Littleriver.
I am so envious! Haystone sounds a fascinating study, well
worth a Legacy investigation. I think
the reason we’ve never gone to look for ourselves is because Haystone is,
essentially, closed to the public and no one lives there. It’s a relic which just hasn’t been pulled
down yet. If people aren’t disturbed by
ghostly apparitions or, as with this particular house, unexplained noises, why
should anyone go check it out? Well,
Andrew has but his motive isn’t to solve the mystery, it’s to experience the
mystery. He isn’t investigating
Haystone, he and his friends are merely curious. Fascinated. It’ll be
interesting to hear about it when he gets back, and, maybe, then I could
suggest to Derek that we go take a look and with the right motive. Maybe, if the mystery was solved, Haystone
could become a functioning house again.
I have my own ideas on what happened
there but I need to do a lot more research before I’m anywhere near certain.
*****
This is it, no more messing
around. Last night at home for a
while. The car’s gassed up. Tires are checked, including the one on the
spare. Everything is good to go in the
morning. I have to be up early cos I’m
giving Flo a ride so that means I have to get there for 9:00.
I have a strange feeling about the
trip. I’m not one of those weird people
who see Elvis’s face on a potato or have visions, or hear voices. Only voice I hear in my head is my own. But I have a strange feeling about this trip
to Haystone. Could be indigestion. Could be anticipation. But I feel that this trip is not going to be
typical for us.
Why do I feel this? Could be because the Trip Nazi has been
unusually quiet the last couple of days.
She hasn’t called once today – and that isn’t like Carrie. I would have put money on it that she would’ve
called just to say ‘see you in the morning, 9:30 sharp at Andy’s’ – I would
have lost the bet. There’s a cynical
part of me which is hoping like crazy that Carrie pulls out but that’s mean. She can’t help being the way she is.
Anyway, what happened today beside the
fact I got no calls from Carrie – well, Flo emailed me with a copy of the book
entry on Haystone so we can do our reading before we get there and, so, make
the most of our time. I’m surprised
Carrie didn’t ask for this to be done – come on, Drake! There’s the benefit of the doubt and then
there’s taking it way too far. Carolyn
Hess does not ask. She demands, and I’m
surprised she didn’t insist on this being done, but Flo didn’t mention it in
her email. That was fairly early this
morning before she left for work.
Let me kind of sidetrack for a while –
if Carrie emailed her demands instead of calling, I could see her in a much
better light. Honestly. For one thing, I’d pick it up at my own time
and, for another, I’d already have it written down. If the chance arises, I am going to suggest it to her.
The other thing which happened today
was that Andy sent me an email and he wrote that the people he works for (the
professionals) had let him borrow an audio recorder for the trip. For a second, when I read that, I felt very
insulted. I’m the official cameraman in
the group – my job is to try to record images of the spooks. But then I remember Haystone is more noise
than apparitions so a recorder makes a lot of sense, and then I got excited. It really brought it home to me that we
leave tomorrow, just a few hours away now.
I got on the phone to Flo and asked her to get tapes, lots of tapes. She was a bit curious as to why and I could
just about get the words out. Then she
got excited too.
I’ve never told my parents that I do
this. My Dad is a great guy and I love
him dearly but he never wanted me to be an artist. I use photographs in the same way as a painter uses brushes and
pigment. I’ve held exhibitions. I make my living from this and I am not a
poor guy. If I told him I’m an amateur
ghost hunter … I don’t think they’d
ever talk to me again. They’re
conservative, they wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, something to provide a
good, steady income until I drop dead at my desk or on the golf course. Right now, they think this is just something
I’m going thru and, one day, I’ll grow up.
If they could have seen me today, jumping around the apartment because I
was excited about a tape recorder … No,
they’d disinherit me for sure. Best I
keep quiet and let them think one day I’ll go to law school.
Anyway, that’s me done for now. Tomorrow, I am going on a trip and staying
up all night. It’s going to be good,
seeing Andy and Flo again. I’ll even
smile at the Trip Nazi. An early night
for me now – 11:15. I got some reading
to do before I sleep.
*****
Hah!
I can’t believe I was so depressed yesterday. Florence rang this morning at 7:00 – that was nice of her to
remember that I have to leave early.
She didn’t exactly apologize but she wanted to explain her forthright
language and attitude from the day before.
Some kind of self help therapy.
Well, I have been there and done that, so I understood. I think she has some work still to do before
she gets it exactly right. On the basis
of that conversation, I’ve decided not to take a smart dress and shoes but I
will do a home manicure because I always have the day before I go on vacation
anywhere. It’s almost a ritual with me. The manicure is my signal that my time out
has started. Soon as I put down this
pen and pack my journal, I’ll start work.
I forgot to ask Florence to copy the
entry for everyone. I’m not surprised I
forgot. I was really down
yesterday. It’s too late now. Florence asked me for my email address – I
lied, I said I didn’t have one. I
do. Of course, I do but I’m not giving
it to her. She’d only pass it on to the
others. And there is no way I am
telling her it’s chucklecheeks @ hotmail.
I can just hear Drake’s comments.
I couldn’t explain to him that Chucklecheeks is what my ex-fiancé used
to call me. No, absolutely not. That stays under wraps.
I told Florence she wasn’t to worry
about me. I’m made of sterner stuff
than gossamer. And, with a day’s
distance, I can see the truth in her words.
I do take too many bags with me.
Tonight, I repacked and I’ve halved the amount of baggage. I feel pretty righteous about that. I must thank Florence tomorrow for being so
honest.
Tomorrow morning, we’re off. The waiting is over. It’s come round so fast. Thank God, the permits arrived this morning
together with an address of someone in a place called Littleriver who has the
keys to the gates and the house. The
letter was very politely worded and signed by someone called Jeremy
Jessop. He asks that, should we prepare
a report of our visit, he would like to have a copy together with any
photographic or other evidence we acquired.
What ‘other evidence’ could there be?
Maybe Andy knows what this Jessop guy means.
For myself, I am excited about this
trip but I think it’ll be like every other trip we’ve made together – a good
opportunity to spend time as a group and a complete waste of time as far as
ghost hunting goes. Let’s be honest
here – there really are no such things as ghosts. I don’t like having to write that, seeing as I’m a valued member
of the group, but it’s true. I believe
that, when people die, they go on to heaven or hell and their bodies
decompose. What we ‘see’ as ghosts is
really just a trick of the mind or it’s imagination. We want to see and so we do.
The mind is capable of so much, a lot of which we know nothing
about. My own take is that the mind
manufactures ghosts.
But it’ll be good to get away from
work for a while, spend time with Andy and Florence – and Drake – and to let all
those delicious chills run up the spine as we sit in the dark of an old, large
house, watching the minutes tick by and listening to every creak and rustle.
Oh God, it’s just occurred to me
writing the word ‘rustle’. I hope there
won’t be rats. I really hate the idea
of rats. Spiders’ webs, I can put up
with. Rats, no.
At least we’re not sleeping in the
house. There’s a lodge just inside the
gates. It has running water but no
electricity or heating. We can use the
fireplace though. Mr Jessop says the
chimney is swept every year so it’s safe.
There aren’t rooms for us to use individually but rooms enough for the
girls to have one and the guys to have another. The bathroom has a lavatory which works but baths and showers are
out. Reading that, I understood
Florence’s comments about roughing it.
Thinking back over all our other
trips, this is the first ‘on site’ for the duration. All the others, we at least had access to facilities nearby. Not
this time. So, tonight, I am going to
take a long soak in the tub, pamper myself, and get a good night’s sleep. It’ll be the last time I do any of those
things for a while.
*****
Merli thinks I’m writing 2 journals
but I’m not, not really. I just copy
over the Legacy stuff into the proper journal.
This one is more personal. Merli
isn’t part of the Legacy and, when I die, those journals go someplace
else. I don’t want anyone knowing about
my life with her. I have to not only
face the fact but also accept it that Merli could die before me, and a long
time before me as well. This journal is
my way of preparing for that day.
Writing about her and our life together will keep her alive in my mind. And, if I go first over the river, these
journals will be her property and, I hope, fulfill the same purpose. Of course, it helps knowing that she can
come back to visit or come over to visit me whenever she wants but, for the
times she can’t, these journals will be a comfort.
I think I must be going soft because,
today, I avoided confrontation again. This
time of year, the weather’s good so I go do the rounds of the cameras out in
the woods of the estate. I check them
over, check the wiring and connections, the angle of view. Best to do it now before the bad weather
kicks in. I chose today to do it rather
than work alongside Alex. Rachel and
Derek were both there so she had company.
Something’s come in from the Paris house which has distracted her a
little but not enough for her to forget San Stefano.
Merli didn’t show all day. She has something on her mind but she isn’t
saying what. I don’t think she’s too
bothered by it because she called me a couple of times and she sounded like
always. She said she’d be staying over
on the mainland again tonight so I decided I’d stay over too. I didn’t quite finish with the cameras
before I checked in with Derek and beat a hasty retreat. Finishing that will give me the reason to
avoid Alex again tomorrow. Having
written that, I have to be over on the island early tomorrow because I’m
cooking breakfast. Andrew’s gone. Derek agreed to him taking the recorder – he
thought it was a good idea – and he showed Andrew how to work it and where to
place the mikes. Then he told him to leave. He’s also given him a business card just in
case he needs more help. Haystone’s
just up the coast so it won’t take us long to get there if we’re called in.
There’s a piece of me hoping like hell
that it won’t happen. I like Andrew and
I don't mind helping out, not if it’s really needed, really important. But I have so much other work to do with the
house that I need to be here. I want it
finished. I want to live there. If Andrew calls just out of courtesy so we
can go check him out, nod and say ‘great job’ and come away .. I hope that
doesn’t happen. Part of me says it won’t
because Andrew isn’t that kind of guy and he respects us too much to waste our
time like that.
Merli isn’t too bothered about fixing
the house up fast. She says she doesn’t
mind if it takes years. The important
thing is that we’d be doing it together.
Okay, that doesn’t mean the both of us here every day, working alongside
each other. She can work here alone if
I have to leave. I can work here alone
if she gets called away. But we’d be
working to our plan.
Since
getting over here this evening, I know she has something important on her
mind. Her eyes are a little distant
every so often. When I asked her, she
said it was nothing, at least nothing yet.
Profelis should be arriving in a few days. Maybe it’s that. One
thing to be grateful about, she hasn’t mentioned Alex once.
I
told her sleeping alone wasn’t so easy these days. It’s half true. I miss
her when she isn’t there. I miss
watching her sleep, stretching out a hand and touching her skin, listening to
her breathing. At times, sure, I know
she has to go away and then I have no choice about sleeping alone. Looking at her tonight, I get the feeling
she’ll be going away soon.
Continue to Day 5 Return to Home